A Terrible Omen

Recently there have been scores of reports from citizens who've found themselves confronted with Dick Cheney's of higher than usual aggressive behavior.

Documented reports include;

42 separate random attacks. Victims all recall a Cheney stalking them for hours, and, when they were alone the Cheney bit and scratched them for no particular reason.

14 orphans have gone missing entirely.

2 women and 9 stray dogs have reported being raped by a Cheney, each victim subsequently died giving birth to troll-demon Cheney spawn.

83 people have been found unconscious in alleyways around town, all had suffered severe blood loss from bite wounds on the neck.

6 high profile lawyers have been shot in the face point-blank with bird-shot

11 male prostitutes were discovered chained in a dungeon, they were severely malnourished, most had burn wounds that the victims swear were marks from where a Cheney had touched them.


Reports of Cheney attacks are growing in number and severity as we near the end of his term in office. We speculate that he is practicing for a larger campaign of terror once he is entirely unemployed.


WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER A CHENEY

Do not run.

Pick up any children or animals you may have with you, make yourself look as big as possible. If you can, grunt loudly. Even better, eat an orphan, Cheney's seem to shy from any formidable competition.

If a Cheney bites or claws you, do not scream (he seems to go into a feeding frenzy at the first hint of fear). If you can, gouge his eyeballs. If this is not an option Defecate yourself. Even Cheneys prefer not to eat shit.

If you are bit by a Dick Cheney, wash the wound immediately with Lye, and then have a friend suck the poison out. If possible, gather a fecal sample from the Cheney, this helps doctors more accurately apply antibodies to prevent further infection (remember to lift with your knees). Also, as soon as possible, have blessings performed on the wound by witch doctors from at least three different denominations.

Do not accept any business proposals from a Cheney. No one has ever returned alive from a Cheney business proposal.

Lastly squeeze all of you orifices as tightly as possible. No one has survived birthing a Cheney Demon Spawn.

Carry A Barbara Bush mating caller (George H. W. Bush songs of seduction). She seems to be the only beast capable of scaring off a Cheney. WARNING: If you have to summon a Barbara Bush, do so as a last resort, she can be as/or more dangerous than the original rabid Cheney.

Be vigilant, good luck, god speed.